


(Dear Dream) You'll Always Be My Home

by lostinjungkook



Series: The Stages Of Saying Goodbye [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Multi, OT7 Friendship, mark leaving nct dream, nct dream candle light mv, platonic but if you look hard enough you may discover my otp, slight angst with a ton of fluff, taeyong being the good hyung we all know he is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 00:03:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17213354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinjungkook/pseuds/lostinjungkook
Summary: "And even if he does find the right words for his messed up feelings, what would it change? He would still have to leave his maknaes at the end of this month. He would still have to watch them move on and make memories without him. He would still miss them more than anything - more than his family even."Or: Mark feels like he's falling, but the others are right there by his side to catch him.





	(Dear Dream) You'll Always Be My Home

**Author's Note:**

> Mark is not only my bias in NCT, but NCT Dream is also the unit that got me into NCT in the first place, so I felt the need to write my own personal farewell.  
> I will miss ot7 more than words can describe, but I'm looking forward to the future of NCT. And who knows? Maybe somewhere in the future, we'll get all of them in a fixed unit together. Kinda like a dream reunion :)

Mark knew from the beginning that his time in Dream was limited. He knew that eventually he would have to turn his back on them and his youth. Still he never thought it would hurt so badly to say goodbye to the six boys he had kept an eye on the last couple of years. Who he grew so extremely fond of. Sure he would see them again in the company building or in future units, but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn’t be like it is now. Sometimes he wondered if he’s the only one who cares about him leaving. If the younger boys won’t miss him at all. If he was simply too invested in them.

Today marked the beginning of the end as it’s the first of December - the last month he’s gonna spend with dream. He’s currently sitting in the kitchen of the 127 dorm, waiting for Donghyuck to get ready so that they can leave for their assigned schedule with dream. He doesn’t notice Taeyong until he’s sitting down beside him, a glass of water in his hand and his hair still wet from the shower.

„What are you thinking about?“ He’s always loved the calming effect of his hyung’s voice, but today not even Taeyong can take on the uneasiness that plagues his thoughts.

„Nothing. Just today’s shooting. I think it’s going to be harder than the ones in the past, simply because it’s focused a lot on our facial expressions and you know I’m terrible when it comes to those.“ He tries to force out a laugh to somehow lighten up the situation, but it just sounds wrong. He doesn’t even need to look at his hyung to know that Taeyong’s eyebrow is raised in disbelief. Mark has always been a bad liar.

„I know that the next weeks will be hard on you and I want you to know that you can talk to me. About all of it. I can’t say that I understand what you’re going through right now - none of us can for a matter of fact - but we’ve all been through though times before. Even the maknaes.“ Mark doesn’t know how to respond. On the one side he desperately wants to share the weight on his shoulders with someone, but on the other hand he doesn’t know how to articulate himself. And even if he does find the right words for his messed up feelings, what would it change? He would still have to leave his maknaes at the end of this month. He would still have to watch them move on and make memories without him. He would still miss them more than anything - more than his family even. So where was the point in telling Taeyong? It would just worry him and Mark knows the older does’t have time for that.

„I’m fine. I knew from the start that this moment would come. So don’t worry about me, okay?“ Mark finally raises his eyes to meet Taeyong’s stare. He can see that the elder isn’t content with his answer, but he also knows that he won’t press any further.

„Okay.“ Taeyong leans back in his chair and they spend the next minutes in silence until Donghyuck comes stumbling into the kitchen. His shoelaces aren’t tied and his hair is nowhere near being styled. „Don’t even start. I know that I look horrible and that the driver is waiting for us and that it’s my fault we’re going to be late.“

Mark feels a smile break out on his face as he watches his dongsaeng mess with his hair to make it look somewhat presentable. Donghyuck has never failed to light up an entire room with his presence, even if half of the time he doesn’t mean for it to happen. „It’s okay. Let’s just go before our manager loses his patience.“ Mark stands up from his place next to Taeyong and leaves the kitchen without looking back. He never saw the knowing look Taeyong and Donghyuck share behind his back before the latter hurries to catch up with his hyung.

Surprisingly, they arrive at the set before the rest of their group does and so the both of them claim the biggest coach in their dressing room. Donghyuck’s legs are spread across Mark’s lap and just for a couple of minutes they welcome the total silence the room offers. He knows that any second now a group of boys will burst through the doors followed by their manager and the staff. Silence is rare when you’re an idol and so he doesn’t notice that he’s falling asleep until a hand is shaking his right shoulder.

„Hyung, it’s time to get our make up done.“ When he opens his eyes he doesn’t see Donghyuck like he expected, but Jisung who’s looking down at him.

„When did you get here?“

„About half an hour ago I guess, but we were told to let you sleep until it’s your turn.“

Mark just absently nods his head and makes his way over to the vacant seat in front of the mirror where his stylist already waits for him.

* * *

 

„Have you noticed anything different about Mark-hyung's behavior today?“ Everyone except for the boy in question who was shooting his solo shots right now is sitting in a circle on the ground. Jaemin is immersed in the second volume of the comic he reads at the moment, Donghyuck is looking through the pictures he took with his phone, Jeno is trying to catch a couple minutes of sleep before it’s his turn in front of the camera and Chenle is losing against Renjun in a game of cards. Only Jisung can’t seem to focus on anything. His mind always wanders to the boy who we would follow to the end of the world without doubting him and his decisions once. Who we looked up to since his first day as a trainee.

„What do you mean Jisung?“ Renjun looks up from the cards in front of him just to be confronted with a look he simply can’t decipher.

„He is silent all the time and hasn’t bossed me around once today, hyung.“

Renjun frowns at the maknae’s words. „He never bosses us around and maybe he just has a bad day. We all have those every once in a while.“

Jisung sighs. „Okay, maybe boss is the wrong word, but don’t act like you don’t know what I mean, hyung. He loves acting like the hyung around us.“

He finally has everyone’s attention as even Jaemin puts his tablet away to listen to him. „Okay, maybe he loves to act like our hyung, but he could still have a bad day.“

The rest of the boys nod, silently agreeing with Renjun. Everyone except..

„All of you seriously don’t know why he acts this way?“ Donghyuck’s voice cuts through the silence.

„Do you?“ It’s moments like this where you can tell that Renjun’s the second eldest of the group. When his voice sounds more mature than it usually does and the look in his eyes radiates authority. But Donghyuck wouldn’t be Donghyuck if he wouldn’t put up a good fight.

„Of course I do. You should too, hyung.“

„It’s him leaving us, isn’t it?“ The silence that spreads feels like drowning as Chenle’s words sink it.

„I heard him talking with Taeyong-hyung this morning. He acts like he’s okay, but I know he’s not.“

Jisung looks up from his fiddling hands to meet Donghyuck’s eyes. „What should we do, hyung?“

„We should talk to him about it. Let him know that we care and that we don’t plan on leaving him alone anytime soon.“

They didn’t talk to Mark about it that day. If you asked the boys, they would say it wasn’t the right moment. Shooting the mv for their last song candle light had made Mark way too happy to shatter it again with a serious talk. Watching him smile for the first time in weeks, they decided to postpone the talk. Now one week later, Jisung regretted their decision. He can’t stand watching his hyung shutting everyone out. Not even Donghyuck who is usually attached to Mark by the hip fails to talk to him nowadays. So he decided to take matters into his own hands and sent a message to their group chat claiming that he needed to talk to everyone immediately. And that’s why he’s currently sitting in their living room waiting for Donghyuck and Mark to arrive. The rest of his group is already seated in the room watching him with curious eyes.

„You’re not going to tell us why we’re here until the others arrive, am I right?“ Jisung just nods as Jeno sighs and leans back.

* * *

 

Mark’s lying in his bed when it knocks on the door. He hasn’t been able to get a good night’s sleep in days and the consequences start to show. He’s sure he looks like a zombie with his pale skin and the dark bags under his eyes. Even his voice is rough. „Come in.“

He is surprised to see Donghyuck in the doorway, not remembering a time the younger ever knocked. „Are you ready to go?“

 _Not even remotely close._ Mark looks aways and sinks back into his pillow. „I don’t really feel like going. Just tell them that I’m already asleep.“

He turns around thinking that the conversation is over. Well, he was wrong.

„You can’t stay in bed forever, you know? Someday you have to face the world outside. Someday you have to face us.“

If Donghyuck only knew that he tried the last ten minutes to get out of bed, but it’s like his body doesn’t want to cooperate. His thoughts are weighing him down and he has never been so grateful for having the weekend off.

„I am facing you literally every single day, okay? Just once I need time for myself to sort things out.“

„We could help you with that if you would just open up to us. We’ve know each other for over 5 years now and you’re still trying to face everything on your own. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help.“

Mark takes in a long heavy breath. „Are you done?“

He already expects Donghyuck’s answer. „No, I’m not. But we can talk later about it. Right now, all that should matter is that Jisung needs us. He asked for all of us to come.“

Mark feels himself crumple at the thought of Jisung. Jisung, who found him crying in the staircase when the pressure of being in all units got to him. Jisung, who told him he wanted to be like him when he was older. Jisung, who he wanted to protect from the cruel life they’re living even though he’s stronger than Mark himself. And deep inside he knows Donghyuck is right. He needs to stop shutting everyone out, but it’s easier said than done. Maybe leaving his bed would be a good start.

„Okay, let’s go.“

* * *

 

„I know you’re all wondering what I want to talk to you about, but before I start I want all of you to promise me that no one’s leaving this room until we’re finished.“

It is completely silent as everyone nods and focuses their eyes on Jisung’s figure that’s standing in front of them.

„Okay. This is actually a conversation we should’ve had a week ago and I’m tired of postponing it. We need to talk about Mark-hyung leaving.“

Mark knew he should have stayed in bed. There he was going against his gut for once and this is what he gets?

He turns to Donghyuck who is sitting beside him. „Did you know about this? Was the whole ``Oh, Jisung needs us´´-Talk just an act to get me to come?“

He clenches his hands as he feels the need to punch something to release his anger. Where did that come from?

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and breaths out an exaggerating sigh. „No, I didn’t know about Jisung’s plan tonight. But I already told you that we need to talk about this. It’s not healthy what you are doing to yourself.“

Mark can feel everyone’s stare on him and his first instinct is to flee, but that wouldn’t help his situation at all. „I’m just having a bad week. You don’t need to worry about me, okay?“

His voice sounds terrible and Renjun must have noticed it too as he crouches down on the ground in from of him. „You’re not having a bad week. You’re suffering from the stress that you have to shoulder since your first debut. The last two years you’ve been always on the run - always on stage - and it made you a lot more mature, but it also stopped you from being a teenager. You had to take care of us even though you’re only a few months older. And now you’re graduating dream which in our company’s eyes also means you’re officially a grown up and you’re not ready for that. And that’s okay. Do you understand, hyung? It’s okay that you’re not ready to leave. It’s okay that you’re feeling miserable about it. But we’re right here with you, okay? We’re always gonna be right here.“

Mark doesn’t notice the tears running down his face until Jaemin uses his sweater to dry them. Renjun is right in everything he just said, but that doesn’t make it easier. Maybe it makes it even harder. He doesn’t want them to worry about his stupid fears.

„Don’t you think it’s time to finally be honest with us, hyung?“ Chenle locks eyes with him over Jaemin’s head.

He’s got a good point, but what exactly is his truth? Renjun’s words from before were a good start, but it wasn’t everything, was it? There’s a lot more, that’s been building up since he walked into the building of SM Entertainment for the first time in 2012. Where should he start?

„I think I owe all of you an apology. And Donghyuck don’t even try to interrupt me right now, because I don’t think I’ll find the courage to start again.“ He swallows down the lump rising in his throat and continues. „I pushed you away from me, because I thought it would make everything easier. At the end of this month I need to say goodbye and I’ve always been horrible at it. Maybe because I grew up in this industry where you are confronted with saying goodbye at a constant basis. Sometimes it were other trainees who didn’t pass the evaluations or my family that I would see three times a year for the holidays or a teacher who would switch to a different group of trainees after a break. And I know all of you went through these experiences too, but in my case they changed something about my relation to goodbyes. Consequently, I thought if I distance myself from you now that it wouldn’t hurt as bad when the final moment comes. And I know that’s stupid, but that’s what I thought. I know you’re all going to say that this isn’t the end, that we’re going to see us in the company or on days off or in the future in different units, but you can’t know that. You can’t know what will happen next year or how we’re going to change. I just - I just don’t want this to change and even though the stress of being in three units is making me lose my mind sometimes, I wouldn’t mind suffering through that if it meant I can spent a little bit longer with you.“ Mark keeps speaking even though everything inside of him is screaming for him to stop.

The silence that embraces his words is driving him insane, but then he can feel Jaemin’s head on his shoulder and Donghyuck’s hand on his thigh and he sees Jisung and Jeno crouching down next to Renjun and he doesn’t feel so bad anymore. In the end it’s Chenle who speaks first. 

„When I had my first day as a trainee I was so scared. My korean was horrible and I was late, because I kept walking down the wrong floor and couldn’t find the practice room. When I finally found it, everyone was already sorted into groups and learning some kind of choreography, while the teacher was god knows where. So I just sat down on the ground next to the bags, waiting for some kind of miracle to happen when finally an older boy came up to me and asked me if I needed help. That was you, hyung. You took me under your wing without hesitating once and in that moment I knew that I wanted to debut with you. And then a few months later I did and not only that. More importantly I found a friend in you - a brother - and nothing will ever change that. I promise.“ Mark doesn’t know how to respond. It’s like his tongue has fallen asleep while listening to Chenle’s speech.

But it seems like no one expects him to say anything as Jeno starts to talk.„When we first debuted I was really insecure. I think all of us were at some point. All our life had been leading up to this moment and then it was there and I was constantly asking myself `How do I keep up with everyone around me? How do I not fall behind?´. One night I was crying in the staircase of our building, because our manager told me that I needed to show a more interesting personality on variety shows and in interviews. I was so overwhelmed, because I didn’t know how to come out of my shell and I didn’t know who to be if not myself. Out of nowhere you showed up hyung and sat down next to me. You didn’t ask what was wrong or pushed me to talk. You just sat there in silence and let me know that I wasn’t alone. That you were always going to be there for me and help me through my bad times. You told me that you and the others were my family now and that I could rely on you. And this is exactly what I want to tell you now, hyung. We are your family and we’re gonna stay together, no matter how far apart from each other we will be.“ A shaky breath leaves Mark’s lips as he tries to gain control over his emotions, but it doesn’t work.

He feels Jaemin’s head move away from his shoulder as the younger boy begins to talk.„When I was told that I needed to take a longer break, because of my health, I felt terribly lost. Who was I without all of this? I was so scared that SM would throw me out for good or that all of you would forget me and that everything would change. I got really depressed on the day my parents came to pick me up. All of you had already left for practice except you hyung. You told our manager that you felt sick and missed practice only so that I wouldn’t feel alone. It meant everything to me on that day, because it showed me that you cared about me and that you would still care when I was all the way back home in another city. It made me see that what we had wasn’t temporary and that even if one of us left, we would always have a home to return to. You are our home, hyung. And we are always going to be yours. Even in ten years when Donghyuck has finally driven you insane and all you want is to get rid of us.“

Mark lets out a shaky laugh as Donghyuck takes the hand from his thigh to hit Jaemin on the back of his head. „If someone’s going to drive Mark-hyung insane, it’s going to be you. We all know I’m his favorite.“

The younger boy pulls Mark’s head into his lap and combs through his hair as he starts to talk like nothing happened. „When I started as a trainee I was always scared that I wouldn’t find friends. That everything was going to be a competition where everyone fought for themselves. But then we were split into duos to perform in the monthly evaluation and I got paired with you, hyung. And you made me see that it was indeed possible to find friends in all this madness that we’re calling our life. And you not only became my friend, you became my soulmate. The one person who was allowed to see me cry. The one person who I completely trusted. The one person who could live with my constant teasing. I know that our situation is different, because we’re still going to constantly see each other, but I still want you to know that I’m here and that you can trust me too. You know I don’t like being serious, but for you I would to it immediately.“

Mark locks eyes with his friend and for the first time in weeks, he can fully breathe. The rock that was weighing down his chest and kept him awake at night is gone, at least for now. And exactly like this, surrounded by the ones he calls his family, he falls asleep.

* * *

 

It is still dark outside when the seven boys walk into their practice room. It is the 27th of December and after weeks of waiting they were finally allowed to watch the music video for their latest song candle light which was going to be uploaded later today.

Mark’s feeling were a mess.

This video was his goodbye.

His graduation.

In a few days, the new year would start. Probably the most challenging one up to date and sometimes he still wasn’t ready to face it. But let’s be honest a lot of people don’t feel like they are ready for the new year. This isn’t something only he was going through even though his situation was slightly different than most other.

This thought somehow managed to calm him as he’s sitting down next to Jisung on the ground. His manager is saying something, but Mark’s attention is solely focused on the boys beside him.

On Jaemin whose eyes are shining as he retells a story from set.

On Chenle who throws his head back while laughing.

On Jeno who at least tries to follow their manager’s words.

On Renjun who is lying on his back probably thinking about all the things on today’s schedule.

On Jisung who looks at his hyungs like they’re the weirdest human beings he’s ever seen.

And on Donghyuck whose eyes meet his above the other heads. He raises one eyebrow as to ask Mark if everything’s okay and the older boy just nods.

Everything’s okay. At least it will be eventually.

Goodbye’s will never be easy, but this right here is only a see you later. Their paths will meet again.

And as he’s leaning forward, ready to press play on his end, he knows that these boys will always gonna be his home.

 

_Blow it out candle light candle light candle light, baby_

_It means I’m thankful for everyday you were with me_

_At times like this, for some reason I am, baby_

_It’s embarrassing but it means I love you_

_When I see you and your blinding smile_

_Na na na na na na na_

_The wish for you and me to be forever_

_Feels like it’ll come true_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be honest here and admit that I cried more than a few tears while writing this at two am, but I really hope you like it ❤️ And were you able to guess my otp? 
> 
> Today's song of the day:  
> Deeper by Wanna One  
> ↳ My heart is breaking knowing that the end of this year not only means the end of Mark in Dream, but also the end of Wanna One. Even though we all knew it would come, it still hurts. I'll carry them in my heart forever and can't wait to see what the future holds for all of them :)
> 
> PS: Let me know if you want more NCT Imagines and if you do which pairing or which unit?
> 
> contact me:  
> [ᴛωɪᴛᴛᴇʀ](https://twitter.com/myforeverwithin)  
> [ᴄᴜʀɪᴏᴜsᴄᴀᴛ](https://curiouscat.me/brokenxdiaries)


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